The Dark Forces

The past four months has seen a huge resurgence in the phenomenon which i choose to call as 'Beastly-ism'... i know it sounds a tad religious (thanks to the -ism part) but fact of the matter is that, thanks to the effort of a brotherhood that wishes to call themselves 'The Funks', Beastly who enjoyed lukewarm responses during his heyday has transformed into a cult icon inspiring millions of adults and kids alike,..

Never before (except maybe when that Gollum dude showed up) has a fictions character been able to inspire and influence (to such a high level) the behavior and mannerisms of his/her followers... for example here's a little story I'd like to share with you; i was at the kachcheri last week trying to pay my water bill.. I was standing in line for a good 45 minutes and finally made my way to the counter hoping to put myself outta misery.. no sooner did I walk up, the clerk shoved a signboard onto the counter saying 'out for lunch' and gave me one of those smug looks... I was like "WTF?? I'm the last guy here and I've been here for like ages!!!!" The dude coolly turns his head towards the direction of the wall clock (which is placed conveniently to my left which meant I had to rotate my head at least 90 degrees after a bout of headbanging the night before...lovely!!! ) and uses his index finger to gesture the fact that the minute hand is at it's BDC... I just felt limp all over and my shoulders dropped from it's previously adopted stance which was somewhat rigid and aloof.. I hung my head in sheer despair and cursed under my breath.. What could I say or do? With no options left (because I really couldn't waste another hour) I turned around and began to make the long journey through the corridors of the Kachcheri,.. But just when i was about to take my first step the clerk dude says "wait"... "thank god, he's gonna cut me some slack" I thought to myself and did an instant 180 and met his eyes with my pair. But his eyes were filled with something I've never seen in a Kachcheri clerk before,.. his eyes were evil and wretched... seething with sarcasm and for a moment there i thought i was staring at the devil... and just like that a dim light gave way to a hideous sight... the sight of the clerk hunching his shoulders and arching his back with his arms raised from his elbows onward,.. His fingers looked like claws and he looked like a beast lurking in the shadows waiting to attack its prey.. And that prey was none other then poor old me.. Time stood still and I stood rigid as a rod of steel.. Evil was consuming me and I was shrinking fast.. And then all of a sudden with no warning he opened his mouth and with a snarling rasp bellowed; "Shashashashasha....." I could hear the clap of thunder and the see the cracks of lightning,.. A d to this very moment I can still vividly recall the sound of those 'words'.. What a horrifying laugh and what a terrifying experience it was... Thus unfolded my first encounter with 'beastly-ism'...

The fact of the matter is that from that moment forth there was no running from Beastly. The tentacles of the testicles of his evil ways had infested my puny existence and everywhere i looked, every face i met was wreaking of that hideous creature's malice and wrath. His laugh (i.e shashashasha) kept ringing in my head and I shuddered whenever I was reminded of it. I had no salvation for I was consumed by Beastly... I was damned, doomed and condemned for life.

But I had to do something. And so I thought to myself if I can't rid my mind of Beastly maybe salvation lay in the hands of the almighty NO HEART (pronounced Gnoww Hearrrrt). I took the long journey into the land where no earthly mortal would venture, enduring the most inconceivable of dangers... and when I reached his creepy castle I was told that No Heart was busy doing a bog and couldn't afford to grant me an audience. Dejected I looked towards the dark tower which was No Heart's lair the last time we hooked up and no sooner did I smell a fish... I could clearly make out the sillouhette of Shrieky's naked frame against the walls born from the light emanting from the embers beneath No Heart's cauldron.. I could hear Shrieky's screams of pleasure (if I were to quote her; " Oh yes Gnoww Heart, that's it.. Don't stop!!!!...Harder!! Harder!!")... Another dead end....

Days, Weeks passed and I only fell deeper into the precipice I innocently dared to peep into. My soul was twisted, torn and starved of realism. I assumed the guise of a zombie... floating to and fro.. detached from sanity. I wandered infinitely through unforsaken spaces of time and treaded upon the most deathly terrain. Far and yonder I ventured till I was inexplicably blinded by the brightest of lights. Standing before me were three hooded figures, each frail yet evoking power and fear from the deepest sources of enshrined within their hooded temples. I shuddered in disbelief.. in awe of their sublime and graceful demeanour. I was possessed by the mightiest of forces that thundered from a staff that each of them held towering above my line of sight. And all of sudden, they hissed. "We are the Funk Lords. I'm Meningitis"..."I'm Arhenius" bellowed the second spirit. And the third figure followed declaring in a somewhat P voice "I'm Nicholai"... After a brief yet uncomfortable pause, together they slithered in unison; " Thy demented soul can only be salvaged by us, the Funk Lords. Thou shall bow down to us and consume each of our manhood(s)." I had no choice but to oblige. Once they 'came' they continued their growls "Thy soul shall be revitalized by the nectar of our loins and thou will be given a new lease of life... Go now and spread this message amongst thy folk"... And within a second their was a crack of lightning and they were gone. I was sprawled on the floor... flabbergasted... knocked the fuck out.... My tongue still wet and sour...

But most importantly I felt human again.. whether the dark lords had taken possession of my soul is a query I cannot answer... But one thing's for sure.. The power of the Dark Forces (i.e Beastly, the Funks) cannot be denied by any means.